letting go

funny how the brain works. You feel perfectly fine. You have accepted the reality since there is no other way, that is a natural order of things and this is why life is so beautiful. An imperfectly perfect cycle of everchanging physical bodies (not getting into a soul argument).

The person is gone and it’s been a decent amount of time since their passing. You have moved on. You perform your daily routine not thinking about them, you might glance at their picture sitting on your shelf every now and then, without giving it too much of a thought. Yet, some days don’t quite feel the same. Some days, whether it’s sunny or foggy, warm or hot, you startle for a moment and deepen into nostalgia thinking and realizing that your life hasn’t changed much since they left, but for some reason the tears smoothly flow down your cheeks and it kind of hurts. It must have affected you way more that you have imagined. May be waking up in the middle of the night from a cry in your dream that wasn’t actually a dream explains that? Why does our brain play tricks like that?

When the closed ones are alive and nearby, we tend to accept the reality and think of it as something given (because we don’t know another reality). It becomes a norm, a daily routine, a basic exchange of words, comfortable interactions and the stuff we don’t consider weird. Many would agree with the fact that we often don’t see the true value of a person until we are either distance separates us or they no longer can reach us for whatever reason. What happened in my case?

They were always close by. I often did not want to see them and spending time with them sometimes felt like a duty. It would almost be looking at the clock and waiting till it is a reasonably significant amount of time spent to announce that I had to leave… Then a cheek kiss and a brief good bye until the next time.

Days go, time flies, we age.

We move, we decrease the word exchange…

One day you hear they are unwell,

You make a call, surprised, encouraging them to get well.

Only months later you realize it was the last call. Logged in your phone it shows up in the history. You keep coming back to that screen every once in a while, unsure of why, unsure of how…

Should I have spent more time with them? Should I have talked to them more often? I do not know. There seem to be reasons at the time being. Regardless of these questions, some stuff cannot be undone or redone. One thing I know for sure is that regardless of how much I avoided them in the past, they have left a much greater impact on my life than I could have ever imagined. Not a day passes without me not missing them even if I do not explicitly think about it every day. Some days hurt especially more (like today) and some days I feel elated and honored of being related to them. One thing I keep asking myself is would I have done anything different have I known they would be gone? Probably not. We all have our moments and we never value (speaking for myself) until we have to, until we are forced to. That is the harsh reality of life which makes us feel more ALIVE and more present in the moment even after the moment is lost forever. It is then for us to sip on it, sleep on it and live with it for the rest of our lives.

I love you tons even if I never told you that, I miss you even more and yes, you were the character but you are missed dearly.

Your ~J

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